One of my best friends in the world lost his mother yesterday. I've known Randy and his family half my life now, from an inauspicious meeting to his realization that I had redeeming qualities because of my music collection a couple months later, and on through today.
I try to be conscious of the role I play in people's lives, and to especially to give them what they need when they need it. This is mainly because I'm such an inappropriate jackass most of the time. I don't do it to be shocking or anything stupid like that...I do it because I know I'm usually pretty damn funny, and I want people to have a good time when they're with me.
That said, I was always very much at home with Randy's family. There aren't many households I could walk into, ask the mom when we were finally gonna hook up, and be told to go fuck myself through laughter. That's a special brand of twisted.
It's all too obviously a sad time for Randy, Harmony and Mike, but I thought I'd offer up three of my favorite memories of their mom. They're not stories I'd tell in mixed company, but they're definitely...her.
When we were maybe 15 or 16, Randy and I stood on his front porch talking with his mom. I felt a hair in my mouth, so I sidestepped to pick it out without making a disgusting spectacle of myself, and pulled out...one of my girlfriend's pubic hairs. My eyes widened as the realization hit me, then Randy's, and I managed to put my hand down by my side just as she turned her head. I turned around and acted as if the thing that caught Randy's attention were behind me. To this day I don't think she ever found out what happened.
Around the time Randy was getting married, he and I were cruising around running errands and whatnot. His mom called his cell and said he absolutely HAD to come by the bar she was tending and see her. We finished up what we were doing and stopped by her work. We decided to shoot a game of pool, and as Randy was lining up a shot, this brunette slut in a red dress came up and started putting the moves on him. After a few minutes of Randy blushing and looking uncomfortable, his mom starts HOWLING laughing. She had hired him a goddamn stripper. Outstanding. I still say to this day he should've married the stripper instead. Would've been way more fun.
And finally, what I think is my favorite memory of all...the Weather Channel. Because it's one thing to SAY you do it while listening to endless forecasts, but it's entirely something else to have your boyfriend (who's not that great with sarcasm) confirm it with a straight face...followed by several members of the family who should know NOTHING about it.
Rest in peace, LuAnn. And as trivial as it may sound in light of all this, I'm sorry for yelling at you that time I was fixing your computer. I can be a dick sometimes.
My dad has this great theory that when someone crosses over to the other side, they learn everything they need to see. As another kid who feels like there's so much left unsaid, let me just say to Randy: she knows. Everything you're torturing yourself over...she knows.
And to LuAnn...
It's something unpredictable,
But in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
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