Saturday June 6, 2009

Subject: Why I hate "Twilight"

I know it's the big movie/book du jour for teenagers who don't know any better, and it's probably becoming cliche to complain about, but Rebecca had me sit down and watch this a couple months ago, and...man, was that bad. Just awful.

The kid who plays Edward is a weird-eyebrow-having douche. He can't act, he's not a heartthrob, he sucks as a human being and should be euthanized. Other than that, I don't have strong opinions on him.

Bella sucks as an actress and should be sterilized, thus removing her shitty acting genes from the population. Our entire civilization will be better off without her shitty offspring starring in Twilight: The Next Generation. Trust me on this.

Okay. Now on to the storyline.

Vampires that fucking sparkle in the sun? Are you fucking serious? I hope you die on Christmas morning in front of your entire family...no, seriously, I hope you clutch your chest, grunt painfully through a grimace, and crash through the Christmas tree.

On top of this family-friendly horseshit, they're injecting Christian values into a fucking vampire series. Edward and Bella wait until they're married to have sex! The whole "Edward hasn't changed her into a vampire yet" dynamic is a fucking metaphor for saving your virginity. Oh my God.

I want my vampires dark. I want my vampires to be about wanton, uncontrollable lust. Dracula had a harem. That's how it's supposed to be. They are so beyond the concept of "pimp" that they are just carnal lust incarnate. Stop with this faggoty fucking "sparkle in the sun" Disney shit.

And teenagers don't know any better, so they're eating it up like it's Shakespeare and an Orson Welles screen adaptation. You Twilight fanboys and girls suck, your books suck, and your movies suck. Anything else?

Oh yeah. Could the powers that be not brainwash young girls into being frigid conservative Republicans so my brother can get some fucking tail? Jesus fucking Christ.